On Love and Heartaches

This post is a written anecdote of a girl with a genuine love for her country and its people. A girl who hopelessly devoted so many years trying to make a change in a capitalistic country plagued with corruption and inequality.

Just like any other person I had my fair share of love and heartaches. But mine is not a typical story of love and break up. I was in high school when I learn to love selflessly. Not to one particular person but to the causes towards social change. I have joined the movement and shared the dream that one day, somehow somewhere, our dream society will be put in place.

After college I devoted myself as a full time volunteer educating the young people, engaging in different campaigns and organizing my generation to be part of the so called greatest cause. Just like our national hero Jose Rizal once said, the young people are the hope of our motherland. They are the catalyst of change because of their new ideas, their uncorrupted minds and their ideals.

I've devoted so many years, so as to say, most of my younger years fighting for the greatest cause. While most of my colleagues are busy with their careers, love life and other normal routine that the young people should do based on the standards of our society. I've done this because I believe that we all should live a life where equality and equity should be enjoyed by the people, that we all have the same rights, therefore we should have an opportunity to practice and celebrate these rights. While the reality contradicts, while some have so many, the rest of the population bears and suffer in a very unfair way of living called poverty.

I have never been in love like this, I have never been so passionate and selfless that’s why I decided to spend my life for this cause, for the people, for their empowerment, for system change, for our dream society.

But circumstances are not on my side. Just like the rest who have put themselves selflessly to their first loves, I've also experienced heart aches. I got lost. Lost in the world where I thought I knew like the back of my hand. I have cried. I have shed so many tears. I never had been broken like this. I was torn into pieces. I even came to a point that even my comrades, my once so called brothers and sisters became complete strangers to me. I didn't know them anymore. I am completely lost.

I've hated myself for not fulfilling the tasks that were given to me. I've failed my comrades, I've failed the movement and most especially I've lost the fire that once been so bright and alive that pushes me and keeps me going. I've lost myself…

Now, I have moved on but the great and strong feelings for my first love and extreme heartaches will be forever part of me, it is part of who I am today. Yes, I have been in love, the highest form of love that any human can give to himself/ herself, to her people, to her motherland. And I have never been broken, the most painful kind of heartache that I have experienced when I decided to leave the movement, my once so called family, my once so called world… my once so called ME.

Liana

12/26/2013